About

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Traumatic events, of all types, have the potential to collapse the ego. For some, but not all, traumatic events can play an important and pivotal role in someone potentially having a spiritual transformative experience (STE). Bart Marshall has the best explanation, I have come across, as to why. He said: 

God, Tao, One, Source, Absolute whatever we might call it - is in an unceasing state of transmission. The invitation to accept that transmission is constant - there are no secrets! Awakening is when reception occurs. (Although this, too, is misleading because there is no receiver.) God's eternal transmission is a state of standing invitation to receive, that may be accepted at any moment. 

But it will not be the ego - identity that accepts. The ego - mind - even one that has spent years "seeking enlightenment" treats the invitation to receive transmission as a threat, as "the hound of heaven". As long as ego is in control - or believes itself to be - "the hound of heaven" is successfully kept at bay. 

But if ego is dethroned for even a moment, the hound is upon it, and its name is Grace. Invitation accepted; transmission complete. ~Bart Marshall

It is with the above in mind that I share this personal STE experience of what I feel was the void or a taste of emptiness. When I was around 6 years old I stood holding my mothers hand, in a dimly lit bar that was closed for the evening, and watched her boyfriend use a bat to smash the mirrored walls and all the liquor bottles. After everything was broken we all walked to a door on a back wall that led to his apartment on the second floor. It was well after 2:00 am so when we entered the door, and the door was shut behind us, the stairwell looked very dark to me. My little legs were having trouble keeping up and I clutched my mothers hand because the darkness of the stairwell made this situation more frightening than it already was. I barely made it up one of the stairs before I thought to myself  "I'm going to die". Then "I" disappeared into the blackness, the void, of no time. There was still lots of stairs to climb but "I" was no longer there. 

After 6-ish or so hours, this is my best guess, sometime around mid-morning "I" instantly catapulted out of a timeless, blacker than black, non place, into a tunnel which projected through my eyes. "I" overshoot past my eyes 3 or so inches in front of my face and then snapped back through the tunnel, in reverse, back into my eyes to the proper vantage point within my body; and it seemed to me that I was already purposefully zoned into the scene happening in front of me. I found myself on a bed sitting up straight, in a cross-legged position. In front of me through the bedroom door I could see my mom and her friend in the living room, where they had seemingly slept, wholeheartedly self absorbed with themselves and each other. I was watching a completely ridiculous spectacle with said parent's friend waving an itty bitty gun around as casually as if it were a flyswatter waving it towards her, up in the air and towards the window. He looked like he was trying way too hard to look like "a tough guy" but instead, to me, he looked like a silly little boy with low self esteem. They were laying together an arms length away from a window in the living room and the window was wide open with no screen. As I stepped into the living room outside, one story below us, I heard and saw a street fair in full swing packed with hundreds of people milling about celebrating, vendors selling things, the smell of food cooking and very loud music; all of which permeated into the small 1 bedroom apartment we were in.

However, when this "I" came back I wasn't afraid. Instead I felt like an adult in a child's body and I could clearly see how ridiculous, insane and transparent this whole "scene" in front of me was. It was as if I understood exactly what was happening and why it was happening. Since that day I have always seen how insane and transparent everything is, in my own life and with worldwide events. Even so, seeing "these things" did not make life easier to navigate because I thought everyone else could also easily see what I saw. And for that reason I could not for the life of me understand why others told me they did not see how insane and transparent everything was. It created situations where I was constantly admonished by others for pointing out the insanity, explaining why situations were transparent which led to me being treated as disruptive. It basically felt like everyone around me was constantly gaslighting me my whole life by denying when individuals, situations, or world events were obviously insane and transparent. I wished all my life I could just be normal and fit in. I hated it. I didn't want to "see" how insane and transparent everything was. I wanted to go along with the program just like everyone else; but no matter how hard I tried to stick to the script I always failed. It took me another 47 years to learn about the simulacra, soul trap and to understand that I had a near death "like" experience when I was 6; which is one type of a spiritually transformative experience (STE). My first STE is what lead me to more easily see how insane and transparent things and situations are.  Quick side note: Each person likely gleans something different even if peoples STE have a lot of similarities. It is very enlightening to hear other peoples experiences of the void/emptiness. It is almost as if each of our experiences is a tiny pice of a larger puzzle.

In conclusion, learning about the simulacra and the soul trap helped me to better understand the STE I experienced when I was 6, specifically why things are not as transparent or insane looking to others as they are to me. After experiencing a couple more STE's of different types, which there are many types, over the next 47 years it all finally clicked in Dec 2024 after I learned about the simulacra and the soul trap. That is when the feeling of being gaslighted by everyone around me finally stopped. It was a huge emotional relief AND for the very first time in my entire life I felt empowered. This new understanding has had a profound effect on me, my family/friends, community and how I navigate dealing with others and the world at large. All of which has inspired me to compile this simulacra and soul trap archive in order to share all the incredible people and resources that helped me in my search for truth. 

The goal is that the resources archived here will assist those who find their way to this site. Whether you are in the thick of a traumatic event or trying to make sense of an event(s) that happened long ago; you shouldn't have to wait 47 years, like I did, to learn that trauma can potentially elicit a spiritual transformative experience (STE). And if you had an STE perhaps the resources here will help you figure out what it means for you and what to do next. 

Please visit the resource page to explore books, videos, podcasts & more.